Caitlin's Journal

3:18pm: Moving On
Ive decided today im moving on.Away from all these childish issues that we put eachother through.In all my stupididty im lossing the people i care about most and hurting them. Im sick of this bullshit we all ned to grow up even myself. We should just learn to get along and not worry about this shit. IS it really that hard just to leave this stuff behind us just let it go. I guess its harder then i think but i wish it wasnt i wish it was simple but in this life nothign is. So maybe we should leave the little stuff out and focus on real problems. And be there for one another instead of makign eachothers problems worse. And we will all be happier for it. It seems to me we all liek to put ourselves thorugh shit its asif we crave this feelign of pain so then atleast well no who are reall friends are, But why cant we just trust who will be there for us and who wont why do we have to make problems just to find out. This is highschool its supposed to be the best years of our lives yet were just making it worse.

2:51pm: Ok so im so pissed off i cant even move right now.Im sick of all this shit. Im sick of feeling used. And even though u say ur not using me its not very convincing. I refuse to be the girl u dotn want but u no u can have i have played that role too many times, and either u want me or u dont.So make your fucking decisions im not gonan play this game if there is no hope for me in the end. so i need to know if i should just give up becuz im not gonna ask you to care. Im not gonna force you .

2:49pm: highschool
Ok so i no i havent wrote anything in a long time but i have decided that its time. So everything right now sucks, school is pissing me off cuz of all the dramatic shit. I just wanted it all to go away and i want things to go back to when i was happy. I want off these fucking pills i hate this fakeness i feel as though the actual me doesnt exist. I want to be able to feel again even if all i feel is down.

I want to apologize to everyonew for all the shit that i have put them through. I feel awful for all of it and im sorry im not a better friend to all of you. I get wrapped up in my own shit and i forget how everyone else feels. I want to apologize to nate i really dont know what i did to make you hate me this much . I really am , and i wish that me and you could be friends, and im sorry i cant give u anymore of me then that.To kailene and empey i wish you the best of luck , you guys are great together and dont listen to eeryone else who cares if they dont want you together, you guys wantr eachother enough to make it work. I also want to apologize to gordon for all ive done even if you dont care. I realised what i ruined and i no i cant get it back. I just want you to know how much i miss you. And how it hurts to even look at you, but right now thats all i want to just look at you and feel you looking at me. I remember what it was like to be loved by you and i no i wont forget it.But w/e i know this is all my fault, and i cant just regret it.

10:40pm: tonight
so i havent entered an entry in a long time. Iunno what to say really. Im so confused about everythign right now and i dont know what to do. I havent talked to gordon in so long. He hasnt even tried to call. Well i guess he will if he wants to. Im at my cousins right no its pretty fun were watching The Forgotten. which is a crazy movie but it freaks me out. ah well. i will write a longer entry tomorrow.
bye caitlin

6:21pm: Well Hello
I know it hasnt been a while but i thought i should write.
Well things are amazing today i saw gordon and i havent seen him in soo long. It was such a happy reunion i actually ran to him when i saw him . It was a great day and i feel great, and giddy. I have finally realised what i have and i have finally noticed the way gordon looks at me iunno maybe assappy as this seems its meant to be. I just dont want it to fall apart. Like my sister and Matt Dermott were so in lvoe and evrythign fell apart and they feel out of love. That most be a horrible feelign to knwo that someone who use to love you doesnt ne more but when it comes to this i agree with sarah that first loves never die.
Ne way
bye
CAitlin

6:14pm: sorry
i just want to say im sorry to everyone. First of all Jona and Sarah i wantr things to work out for you 2 your both amazing people and im sorry f i made things worse. Also courtney i will refrain from sharing my problems with you i didn know that they upset you that much and i wish u hadve told me sooner. Also to gordon im sorry if i made you feel any worse then you already do about this whole school things. Also i know u doubt this alot of the time but i lvoe you , your amazing and thank you for being there through all fo this shit. also sorry to mom and dad for being a disappointment im sorry that i failed at being your last hope but turns out im 15 and i still have time to improve .And thank you and sorry to everyone else im sorry if ive made ne thign in ur life worse or harder.
LOVE YOU ALL!
CAITLIN!
p.s. Special thoughts go out to my hubby! BLECKY!lmao love you

7:31pm: today
well today was a pretty bad day. I dont think ne thing good happened. Kailene and Talon broke up and so did sarah and jona. I feel really bad i dotn knwo what to say to either of them. Its really difficult. Sarahs usually the one comforting me and now its turned around and i have no idea what to do. Ive begun questioning love. If it wasnt love with sarah and jona, and it wasnt love with kailene and talon then what the fuck is love, i couldnt think of 2 more perfect couples then those 2.

bye caitlin

2:28pm: If love is labour ill slave to the end.
well today is a snow day and i dont know if thats good or not becuz now im at home and i have more time to think.i know i have done a lot to screw things up and i know im supposed to have no regrets but i cant help but wonder maybe somewhere along the way i made the wrong choices. im quite aware that no matter how much i want to go back and change things i cant. But yet its all i can seem to think about. Theres certain people in my life i cant seem to let go as much as people tell me too and tho maybes its for the best i dont want it to be over. i dont want to forget ne one or be forgotten and i think thats why i hold on to people to tight. I find random things that remind me about these people i should be letting go and i keep them around me like im trying to upset myself, stupid yes.

I think i need to learn to be happy with what i have, im always trying ot see if theres soemthign more. My boyfriend gordon does really liek me and it may not be love ne more but that doesnt mean it wont ever. and its my own fault i took certain things for granted. and i have doen horrid things to him. I also have lots of friends who care aboput me who i thank for sticking around even on my really bad days, expecially you hubby!(blecky), Sarah, and Justin who probably hates hearing all this shit but hes just too caring for his own good.

ne ways i dotn know what else to say.